Exclusive! Find out if you really ARE a parent of one or more mini-humans!
Do any of these describe your reality?
-Someone vomits on you and yet you find yourself comforting and calming the perpetrator, plus doing all the clean-up, instead of receiving any kind of apology or compensation.
-You get up to turn on the coffeemaker. You return to bed for ten more minutes of glorious shut-eye while you await your black gold being processed by the magic that is electricity. But lo and behold, you discover that there is no longer enough space in your bed to lie down and stretch your legs out. The two smallest humans in your house have maneuvered themselves into taking up three fourths of the king sized bed. “How did this happen?” You ask yourself. “I never wanted to be a bed-sharer in the first place! When do I get to cuddle with my partner, who’s huddled on the opposite side of the bed, a thrashing three year old between us?! When do we get to take advantage of having a king size bed?!?!” You finish your silent freak out and resign yourself. At least you still have coffee.
Mastering geometry early on- how to be this little and take up maximum space in the bed
-You’re pissed off at your pet for chewing up the baby’s favorite chew toy. You think about letting the baby have it back, but decide against it due to the bits of loose rubber that are now choking hazards from the cat chewing holes in it. Drat that cat!
-You start getting up at some ungodly hour of the morning- even on weekends- just to have A FEW LOUSY MINUTES to yourself. Your mother, upon hearing what time you now voluntarily get yourself out of bed in the mornings, almost goes into cardiac arrest. You assure her that you are indeed the same child who invented a million tricks to avoid that early rising nonsense, including falling back asleep standing up in the shower. She then proceeds to laugh maniacally, because, “payback’s a mother.”
-You regularly get screamed at and ordered around by total tyrants, and yet no one encourages you to flee from the dictatorship. “Mommy, you come here now!” my three year old just told me today, as I was supposed to be swinging her in the hammock for nap time. “You don’t get your water! I want you to be thirsty!” Help! I have children! Somebody call Adult Protective Services!
-You find yourself talking on the phone to someone and interrupting your conversation to say things like, “Go to the bathroom if you have to pick your nose! And wash your hands afterwards!” Or “Do we color on walls?” Or a panicky “No no no no not the cat litter!”
-Your kid has learned the basics of menstruation years before her time and can’t wait to grow up and shave her legs because NO ONE RESPECTS YOUR PRIVACY!
-Poop becomes the biggest point of contention between you and your partner- whose turn it is to wipe the bigger kid’s butt, whose turn to change a diaper, whose turn to prewash the clumps of half-digested beans out of the cloth diaper, etc. Then you’re not sure if it’s worse to have to fight about poop all the time or to have such a hands-on relationship with little people’s poop.
-You’re at work, thinking you’re in adult mode, when suddenly you realize you’re humming a song from Dora the Explorer! Aaaahhhhh! Will it never end?
-You continue your masochism, even asking for more of this madness. You go home to your kids every night after work, and you’re happy to see them- perhaps overjoyed, even, to return to their tyranny after a long hard day in the grown up world. The baby smiles at you and flaps his arms (is it gas or is he happy to see you?). The big sister runs to the door, yelling, “Mommy! It’s Mommy! Mommy’s home!” And all is forgiven. Sure, you miss those pre-kid things like privacy and space in the bed, but you keep refusing to trade it for your little monsters.
You have passed this quiz. If one or more of these points describe your life, you’re definitely a parent of small children. Keep fighting the good fight, folks! I’ve been told it doesn’t last forever.
exile to mexico 
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